Who am I?

I remember as part of my chaplain training we spent some time journaling. One of our topics was addressing the question "Who Am I?" I had a hard time taking this serious partly because of the movie The Breakfast Club. If you remember the movie this was the topic that each person in Saturday school was supposed to write on for their essay. At one point, the braniac who had a flare gun go off in his locker sits and contemplates the question mumbling to himself, "Who am I?" while he clips a mechanical pencil to his lower lip and proceeds to move it up and down until the eraser end finds his nostril. This is all I could think of when we were asked to write on the same question.

In Genesis chapter 22 we find God asking a similar question to Jacob as he they wrestle. At one point during the struggle it is God who says to Jacob, "What is your name?" Essentially he is asking Jacob, "Who are you?" And Jacob answers honestly - "Jacob." It was this same Jacob who years earlier was asked the same question by his earthly father - Isaac - "Here I am ; who are you, my son?" And Jacob said to his father, "I am Esau your firstborn." (Gen 27:18) Jacob had lived his life just as his name implied - he was a deceiver. Now when his heavenly Father asks him who he is he answers rightly - I am Jacob - recognizing and professing "I am a deceiver and a cheat."

It is when we see ourselves for who we truly are - separated and in need of God - that the gospel becomes good news and the power of the gospel being able to save us becomes a need and not just another "gift" to add to the pile of gifts already present in our lives. I honestly struggle with both ends of the spectrum on this one. A lot of times I find myself striving and fixating so much attention on how "good" I can be as if one day I will reach a standard where I will no longer need God's grace because I've earned my way. Other times I struggle with feeling so defeated by sin that I cannot rejoice in the fact that it is all about grace and that there is no condemnation for anyone, including me, who believes in what Christ has done for them on the cross. So I am not there yet.

So how do I end this entry? It might be appropriate to leave it open-ended because that kind of answers the initial question - who am I? "A work in progress striving to seek God and what He has for my life as a husband, father, friend, chaplain....placing my hope in what He has done and continues to do and the promises of his word."

I love a song by Steven Curtis Chapman called Miracle of Mercy - it pretty much summarizes how I feel.

If the truth was known and a light was shown
On every hidden part of my soul
Most would turn away, shake their head and say
he still has such a long way to go
If the truth was know you'd see that the only good in me
Is Jesus

If the walls could speak of the times I've been weak
When everybody thought I was strong
Could I show my face if it weren't for the grace
Of the one who's known the truth all along
If the walls could speak they'd say that my only hope is the grace
Of Jesus, the grace of Jesus

But, oh the goodness and the grace in Him
He takes it all and makes it mine and causes his light in me to shine
And he loves me with a love that never ends
Just as I am not as I do
Could this be real, could this be true
This could only be a miracle
This could only be the miracle of mercy